Apostasy
by Fitful
Summary: Spock and Kirk have a discussion about religion over chess. Spock goes through a range of emotions. Kirk is mostly amused.


Spock, the Vulcan, was logical.

He was not the sort of fellow to be swayed by the trappings of emotion. He did not pander to tender feelings, nor did he become overwhelmed by negative ones. He maintained a decorum of mind, a strong hold on his control, that was never loosened and never wavered all his long years on vulcan, then his years as a cadet on earth, then serving onboard space vessels for Starfleet. In fact, it wasn't until he became science officer for one James Kirk that he felt swayed by the "disadvantage" which lay in his genetic makeup; his human heritage had long ceased to plague him as his grip on self control had been carefully perfected with time.

It was, perhaps, that until that point in time, he had kept to himself very well. He had not bothered with overly close association with those of emotional temperament. he rarely involved himself past the parameters duties required. Indeed, his free time was spent in more research, or his meditative pursuits, which were solely focused on with whole, to shoring up any slips in his very firm grip on self control. Indeed in his opinion, until Spock met Kirk, he was the perfect Vulcan.

His mother disagreed, that he was the perfect vulcan, as did his father. As did a great deal of Vulcan's majority. His mother, human that she was, often imagined him with emotional attachment she would attach to a number of his habits. That these had long since been repressed from his childhood was irrelevant, and he did correct her when she pointed out these flaws, with the irrational emotion of delight, however she never believed him. After a while, it seemed illogical to continue to argue the point which she would never believe him on, nor did it seem logical to take away the happiness this imagining gave her, although Spock did not understand why it gave her happiness to see him act any way other than the way he wished to.

His father, however, saw these things too, and assumed the same as his mother, instead with disapproval. The emotions Spock displayed, which were not emotions Spock maintained but habits he allowed, ( unnoticeable by human standards regardless as only Vulcans attention to such matters ever highlighted them), were inappropriate to Sarek. Spock found this disapproval difficult to deal with only as it seemed to color the interactions his father gave him. That most of vulcan seemed to hold with his father's theory, disapproval, and interact in much the same way, made Spock often the outsider, and as made his life and career among humans, who only saw the emotionless vulcan, he was very isolated from any interaction beyond the necessary.

However upon the assignment to be first officer to one Captain Kirk, of whom much good was spoken, tales of valor and bravery regaled often through the federation's "grapevine", soon began to show Spock his usual routine was about to be upset. And perhaps, if he had cared to extrapolate based on that supposed parameter, he would have had the theory his habits were about to be made much of and, ironically, exaggerated. If he had had such forethought, perhaps he would have made different choices early on. Youth, after all, does indeed conclude it knows everything upon reaching a certain age, emotional creature or not. And Spock, of Vulcan, was a very intelligent, young Vulcan, determined to be one way, and as such determination, refused to allow other options. Until the introduction of a pleasurable reason to.

It began with a game of chess.

Spock, a habit he occasionally indulged in, would challenge the ship's computer once a month to a game of three dimensional chess, in the recreational room. It was usually ignored by the ship's crew, his evening hour of chess. It hardly took him an hour to conclude the chess game, Spock was very aware of how to regulate time, but he allotted himself this hour so as to be seen by crew and not relegated to antisocial status and disliked. Those of the crew who found him disagreeable were difficult to work with, emotional being's interactions were very colored by their preferences. It made logical sense to cultivate, while not close interaction, an image that did not exacerbate intolerance. Also it mattered little to Spock where he took his game; it was still in his schedule to allow this enjoyment, a recreational stimulation which relaxed and engaged his mind, keeping it working optimally. In fact it only required him to speed up his pace from his room to the recreation room 2.34 percent in order to avoid allotting time for travel. It really was no matter if he did, humans did not often notice such desimal changes in his habits and wouldn't find such an action curious enough to warrant speculation.

It was after his shift, after he had slept an appropriate amount of time for his physical requirements, that he took himself to the recreational room. It was about halfway into the game when the Captain strode into the room, all alert despite the early hour, and made a very direct course for the food replicator, ordering black coffee, sweet, an earth drink very popular with humans in the mornings. An ensign nearly tripped over himself avoiding the captain who turned away from the replicator and startled the sleepy ensign awake when he recognized who had been in front of him. A quick adherence to policy, a salute, was cut off midway with wave of a hand, and an easy smile and dismissive quip which must have been amusing to the human who laughed uneasily, then with more ease before moving to the replicator to order coffee himself.

The Captain then made his way to an empty table, which happened to be the closest one to Spock's chess game set up, but he only noticed Spock enough for a nod of acknowledgement before tucking into his coffee and solitude with focused intent that made Spock theorize the Captain wasn't as awake as he presented himself to be. The entire time Spock had noticed all this he had gained two moves against the computer, and was able to predict himself a win in 6.72 minutes if the computer didn't notice the trap he'd begun two moved before. It was a theory he made with himself that the computer would notice the first, but not the second, extending the game another 3.4 minutes, before he did indeed claim the win.

It was the Captain who evoked the first of many emotional reactions which were not simply habitual concessions of character. The Captain was situated at the head of the rectangular table, which placed him in direct line of sight with Spock's chess game, a move which must have been on purpose despite him choosing to sit alone. It also placed him within Spock's hearing; unless his voice was deliberately aimed to carry a human wouldn't be able to. That Spock would overhear wasn't usually an issue; Spock was little interested in other's doings, and were the Captain to speak of classified happenings, Spock had the same level of clearance. Perhaps his choice of seat was very strategic, but Spock couldn't conclude that based on the given information. It was what he overheard that caught him off guard and slipped past his firm self control.

"For food, for raiment, for life, for opportunity, for fellowship, for friendship, we thank thee O Lord."

Captain Kirk said it an off hand way, as if he were speaking to a companion despite the lack of one. In fact, at first Spock assumed he was being addressed so casually was it said. The Captain was sitting up, not at all sloughing over his coffee as many did, but kept the military posture, and drank his coffee with both hands on the mug, fingers aimlessly tracing the rim as he spoke this. What Spock immediately concluded was it was a prayer, as it sounded like one, and fit with the morning routines of some humans and other theistic beings he had observed. However upon a second look at it, perhaps it was a recitation, as some humans were wont to repeat historical quotations and literature for metaphorical conjecture or illustration.

The second conclusion was thought of too late, as already Spock had reacted. He had grimaced. It was an obvious one. Distaste, a curl of contempt had wandered through him, felt in his stomach, before he caught it and trapped it behind a logical cage which said, another's beliefs were of no matter to Spock logical or not. The distaste also was colored with a previous memory, of a few theistic beings regaling him as the antithesis of god in their insults. It felt, painful to recall in the memory, which made him realize he had been remiss in purging himself of the emotions that situation invoked and must repeat the reconstruct during his next mediation.

"The Philmont Grace." Captain spoke once without looking away from his far off stare, nor removing his hand from his cup, however this time his voice was raised. Spock was uncertain once again until the Captain turned his eyes to meet Spock's curious ones, which he just noticed now were staring. "I was a boy scout." This was said with a crook of his lips and a small shrug of, what might be classified as self deprecation. Spock blinked: unable to complete disgust his surprise.

"Of course, Captain." Said Spock, after a moment with a loss for what he really ought to say. Then, logic kicked back in, and politeness came out. And he paid a moment to see if the captain would speak again, before he returned his eyes to where they should have been all along; upon the chess game where it seemed his prediction had come true. The computer had caught his first trap.

Then, which Spock couldn't have predicted, ever, as he had so little knowledge of this human's character, Captain Kirk picked up his coffee mug, and himself, and moved to the table where Spock was playing chess. It was a lazily graceful movement, he simply walked in straight line to the seat which was free and closest to Spock, and sat in a fluid movement which remained perfectly within protocol for Starfleet in expected posture. Spock was slightly appalled at the sudden company which he had not expected, predicted, then appalled as his own emotional reaction of being appalled and was forced to breath and channel the emotions away before he could turn his eyes to the captain in greeting.

Or rather he meant to, but instead his eyebrow rose in greeting instead. And the captain smirked amusedly at his surprise but didn't comment on Spock's second emotional display over remarking the first.

"You're not religious I take it, Commander?"

Spock's frown was ill concealed. His breathing had worked for only a moment but he was too engaged in constructing his reply to answer. After all humans, especially theistic ones, were quite volatile and explosive on such subjects, as if another's disbelief somehow challenged their belief in a threatening manner. Also, his surprise wasn't quite gone. He had thought the captain might be more enlightened than this. "Religion is not a practice of mine, Captain." The truth was given with reluctance and only the Captain waiting forced him to explain further. "This concept of -" the sound of distaste was only because the curl of sour in his throat got in the way "-god seems highly illogical to me, Captain."

"Fascinating." Said Captain with a smile widening with clear pleasure. Spock concluded the captain might be mocking him. 'Fascinating' was a habitual phrase of Spocks. It was a logical exclaiming he had favored since childhood. "So, you're an atheist?"

Spock's eyebrow raised again. "I find the definition of that particular word inaccurate, Captain. The english word Atheist is derived from the Greek, _atheos_ meaning godless. If the definition of the word remains having a disbelief in god, but the derivative states the existence of god in its very definition, the entire title is contradictory in definition. The very illogic of such a definition would have me reject such a label."

"Semantics, Mr. Spock." Said Captain Kirk with a calculated look in his eyes, and a cheerful wide awake grin on his face. "You're aware of what I mean by using the word. Now, you're hedge crafting. Why?

Spock decided then and there he didn't much appreciate social interactions with Captain Kirk. The man was far too intelligent to be able to control with Spock's usual ease of manipulating language and logic. In defensiveness he played dumb "I was not aware I was assigned to the botany department this month, Captain. Nor was I made aware they had the room to grow .." a pause of puzzlement, "hedges."

Captain Kirk burst out laughing. It was long and loud enough that it caught the attention of several members of the crew who hung over their breakfasts and hadn't been paying much attention. Spck wanted to wince at the attention but did not, taht would be illogical, after all it was illogical to care what others thought. What Spock did focus on, to distract himself from his emotion, was the fact the Captain was indeed genuine in his laughter. it wasn't a mocking laugh, nor was he laughing at Spock. It was genuine inclusive laughter. Something Spock had not much been the recipient of. In fact, the very existence of this inclusive laughter was illogical, which being emoted from a human was to be expected, yet he hadn't again expected it. Thus Spock realized he was irritated, before he removed that emotion as well.

It also was illogical that after a while, the laughter, the lines of the Captain's body trembling in humorous regard, the feel of _enjoyment_ which wafted off the captain, soon seemed to lighten Spock's demeanour as well, as if he enjoyed the captains enjoyment. Abruptly Spock's curiosity in this creature increased.

" . I know that big brain of yours is familiar with even English colloquialisms." The laughter was still evident in Kirk's eyes, in the rosy flush of his skin the heat of laughing had garnered, the relaxation of his body which intense laughter caused, with the contracted spasming, then the sagging the end brought.

Spock did know better than to play dumb a second time. That he had done so the first time was illogical and he wasn't even able to rationally explain why he had, which meant it had been an emotional reaction again. It seemed he kept having those this morning. Spock decided the Captain was at fault.

"Of course, Captain." Spock gave as he made another move on the chessboard, using the paused he made to think, seem like his intensity over game strategy. "From your use of the phrase i must extrapolate you suspect me of dishonesty." This was said in a flat tone. Which was done a purpose. After all, humans took quite offense to the accusation of lying, and Vulcans were quite horrified. Lying was illogical.

"You know Mr Spock-" The pause was long enough that Spock raised his eyes to Kirk's after it seemed like it wouldn't continue until he'd gotten Spock's attention. "-you are really emotional for a Vulcan."

Spock felt himself grow very still and cold, his relaxed posture, which he hadn't even been aware of stiffened, and past memory of recriminations for just that accusation tore through his self control. It was swallowed in his willpower that he was very hurt by the statement.

"I apologize, Captain," Said Spock stiffly, "but I must admit I do not know why such an opinion was formed nor why. I can only extrapolate, based on my research in human character, that you have simply projected your own emotions onto the familiar physical reactions I allow, basing such conclusions on what you would expect from a fellow human, forgetting to calculate for a Vulcan variation. I must inform you Vulcan's have no emotion. It's human it's a common error" The way he said error clearly was colored with derision. He found he didn't much care.

"I am aware of Vulcan's popular opinion regarding emotion, Mr. Spock." Suddenly the captain's tone was soft, almost soothing, as if he had concluded he hurt Spock's feelings and sought to fix it in a way that wouldn't further offend, which he chose to do so in tone and body language. His shoulders and softened as well, which they hadn't once since he entered the room, and he leaned forward, elbows and forearms flush with the table, in sincere offering. "I merely was responding to your illogical refusal to explain your stance on a touchy subject."

Spock was still cold with hurt and suppressed emotion and decided this conversation was inappropriate and illogical and decided to end it. After all couching his beliefs so as not to offend was illogical, no matter the reason. If the captain decided to judge based on it, and acted uncouthly in that judgment, than it was against regulation and he would be deserving of citation.

"The term atheist was originally used as an epithet among primitive human culture, Captain, usually without great precision." His voice was cold, emotionless, and a spark of anger which Spock could not deny. "It was applied to religious dissidents, political enemies, and debauched libertines. The word atheist was a ready label used for anyone who cared not to conform to popular moral, religious, or social perspective."

This time the captain's eyebrows went up. He retained the amused look which made Spock stiffen further and continue his passionate lecture. "Also used for those who showed independent, critical, or iconoclastic thinking. The history of the english language, of humanity's bigoted belief systems, and subjected opinion is particularly distasteful to me. I cannot hold with inaccurate offensive terminology which presupposed to lock me into a definitive subclass which in itself today is regarded with great derision and runs rampant with contradictory spin off opinions of its own, resembling simply another religion or cult like system of belief which is based on illogical conclusions, haphazardly postulated and, inaccurately calculated. If I were to choose a word from the human language to be placed in this pigeonhole, I would much rather apostasy. After all I deserted my own people's religion."

"Mr. Spock." Began Kirk, but Spock was beyond reason, in fact was in desperate need of mediation to control himself. Why the subject was sensitive he wasn't aware just yet, it had never occurred to him to give this one much thought. It could be the memory of his father's complete displeasure when he chose to state his beliefs which opposed Sarek's who held with the gods of Vulcan lore. Both and his father and mother were elders on Vulcan, and honored with prestigious religious titles due to their beliefs. Spock had gone against custom to refute the belief system in place, although he had done so based on logic. Even though many on vulcan did so as well, it was his human heritage they judged, using his beliefs as a new mark against him. A thing humans also did as well when they too heard his logic. From both cultures he had received rejection, which made him defensive, and the censor, even aggressively expressed hatred, had made him slightly hostile, expecting the worst. It was not logical, the way he was acting, however, he was now aware of an explicit need to work through the emotions he hadn't been aware he was harboring. After all, feeling hurt over rejection long past was highly illogical, even if the past was accurate material for evidence in theorized predictions.

"Furthermore, the word god is subjective in relation to which religion you refer to. If I must conform to a conclusory system of thought which generally summarizes what I believe I must repudiate the religious ones based labels and therefore choose the only logical one left, defined currently as as disbelief in god or gods which it is actually not but should be redefined as a lack of belief in god, and I would personally amend with the lack be based on sufficient conclusionary proof." Spock finished emphatically, or as emphatically as a vulcan could, which was really quite quietly. And in a single move concluded his chess game, throwing it instead of going for the win and rose to remove himself. He was a bit out of breath, and the nerves with which he had told his actual beliefs were on fire; his body was ignited with an irrational fear that bade him to flee, before he was targeted and hurt. He had much to meditate on as well. It was logical he remove himself.

The Captain's hand on his arm stopped him, shocked him, drove the fright from his mind in one fell swoop. No human had touched him aside from his mother, it hadn't happened before, except in a few physical altercations in which the touches were brief. Every human in Starfleet knew appropriate interspecies protocol; Vulcans didn't like to be touched. That the captain dared was a shock, but more was the shock of the touch. It was due to the telepathic nature of the vulcan physiology which required a distinct lack of physical contact or emotional seepage was probable to occur, even through cloth covering. It was accepted within the context of family, but in strangers, it was unthinkable. That said the Captain had knowingly done so anyway, and on purpose because the emotions rolling beneath his human hand and skin were so soothing in nature Spock was instantly calm due to them, was alarming.

"Mr. Spock. You misunderstood my questioning. I was merely asking after your standpoint. I noticed you don't hold with the religious ceremony of your people, and I was curious if you had been converted to a human faith or chose to not follow one at all. It was in aid of getting to know you better. Not meant to inspire such … passion." The Captain was not smiling now, but had a serious and earnest look on his face. Like his emotions were chosen to soothe and reassure. As if he had his own form of control over them, which had been urged to corral Spock's rampaging ones, out of … empathy.

Spock thought that over then dismissed it internally. The Captain merely wanted to insure no friction between himself and his first officer, unaware that with a Vulcan there could exist no friction due to emotional display, no matter how unwarranted and out of control they might have been in circumstance. However, Spock agreed with the intent, and sweeping his defensiveness aside again took his seat. Kirk's hand remained on his arm a moment, as if to make sure he wasn't going to run off and pout, before slowly removing itself. Spock searched for an appropriate response.

"Vulcan's are unable to show passion, in the sense you interpreted it as, Captain. However I do appreciate your explanation. I apologize for my ill conceived assumptions. I haven't received much acceptance in that specific area, which led me to the wrong conclusion."

The Captain shook his blonde head. "I get it, Mr. Spock. I was too given grief for my beliefs." He huffed a laugh, again which seemed self depreciating.

Spock's curiosity was again peaked. "Which are?" He left the question there; after the Captain's questions he didn't feel the need to explain his curiosity.

Kirk gave him a wry sort of grin, a light of humor in his eyes. "I'm not religious."

Spock blinked. "I see."

Kirk's smile grew. "I could go on to say I believe god exists in the heart of all of us."

Spock's eyebrow shot up at that. "Even those who disclaim him?" It went against his beliefs to refer to the character in such familiar terminology as 'him' but for the purposes of conversation in English Spock conceded to.

"It's logic, Spock." Said Captain Kirk. "Even those who don't believe in god still acknowledge the existence of good and evil, right and wrong, positive and negative feeling. If god is in the heart, then we know what to do. I don't believe it matters which religion you subscribe to, or which belief system. It's in you to be good, do right, and follow positive feelings to logical conclusions on how to live out your life."

Spock was in perpetual shock by now. He had not expected the conversation to follow thusly, especially not with his superior, a mere month after working together. It was, however, almost fun to continue this conversation. Spock ignored the fact he only decided that after Kirk expressed a modicum of acceptance.

"Perhaps, Captain, you are an atheist too. After all, such conjecture seems a more, emotional degree, of my personal belief system. It would seem you are not incapable of logic after all."

Kirk chuckled. "I take that as a compliment, Mr. Spock. however, I am not an atheist. I know there is more to this existence than .. existing. It's why I joined starfleet. I want to .. discover. Everything."

Spock felt it. A kernel of emotion in his heart, a feeling, impossible to refute, too sweet to remove. It was ... peace. Due to the confidence and acceptance and familiarity he felt all abruptly with his Captain. A kindred spirit. A like mind.

It was a novelty.

"I confess to an .. insatiable curiosity as well, Captain." Spock gave, after a moment of thought. "However I doubt I will change my beliefs at this late a date, without substantial amounts of proof."

The Captain chucked again. "I wouldn't presume to change you, Mr. Spock. Who is to say you are not right in the end? And personally, I don't really think it matters much either way. We will still be who we are, do what we do, and get through this life as we're meant to. I trust that."

"This human notion of faith, Captain?"

"This human notion of faith, Mr. Spock." The Captain agreed,

"In god?" Spock was amused finally.

"In humanity, Mr. Spock." There was a wicked light of humor in Kirk's eye as he said it. It gave away the fact he was joking.

"I see. Perhaps a humanist then?"

The Captain laughed out loud. "Are you trying to convert me, Mr. Spock?" Apparently the Captain was familiar with the definition of a humanist; which did fall under the category of atheist in actuality.

"I would never presume to change you, Captain." Spock replied in mimicry, this time very aware of his emotions of pleasure and himself indulging in what humans called "teasing."

"Well, Mr. Spock, Thank God for that."

This time Spock laughed.


End file.
